GPs, Scans, and Morning Sickness

I had to go back to the doctor last week, after I got a – very apologetic! – call from the GP receptionist because the trainee doctor I had originally seen ‘was not aware’ of the forms that needed completing. So I went back and saw a fully qualified GP and had a much more productive appointment (whereas last time I left feeling unsure and like none of my questions were answered). I left with a load of leaflets and some forms to fill out, after quite a comprehensive grilling from the GP about my health. Although I wasn’t brave enough to ask the GP if it would be possible to have an early scan for reassurance (assertiveness is not my strong suit!).

I had to go into my previous mental health issues (bipolar disorder and self-harm), which is always a little embarrassing and awkward, as – when listed out – they seem very extreme. I always worry I won’t be believed when I say that I had the offer to have my diagnosis ‘withdrawn’ (as is that even a thing? I sometimes wonder if I imagined it). Either way the GP was very sympathetic and seemed to believe me when I told her I was perfectly happy and well-adjusted these days, but that I was aware of PND and it was something I would absolutely seek help for if I am unlucky enough to suffer. I reassured her that I had a strong family network who would be all too quick to step in if they suspected something was wrong, having seen what I went through before. It was still a slightly awkward conversation though. I’m not really looking forward to going back through it all again with the midwife at my first appointment (next week!).

I’m now eagerly awaiting my scan appointment letters, but in the meantime I’ve booked in for a private scan, when I will be somewhere between 8-9 weeks. I had agonised over whether to go for one, worrying mostly about the cost and about not acting more neurotic than is necessary. But the fear of an MMC, and worrying with every little symptom fluctuation (my breasts aren’t as sore today, I haven’t had any morning sickness yet today, I wonder what the means etc.) pushed me over the edge. I still have to wait until mid-November for the early scan (I didn’t want to go too early and risk not seeing a heartbeat and giving myself more to worry about), but just knowing it’s booked in is very comforting. I’ve read that there is a 98% chance of the pregnancy continuing if a heartbeat is seen at 8 weeks.

Morning sickness has definitely kicked in over the last week and a bit. It’s pretty unpleasant. I am not being sick, but having all day nausea and struggling to eat. Although I am happy about it in a way because I like having symptoms and I do keep reminding myself that it’s all for a good cause. Although getting up early for work in the morning is not fun.

I am really longing for the day when I feel comfortable letting everyone know, which hopefully will be at 12 weeks, all being well. I’ve never been good at keeping exciting secrets, but the fear of saying something ‘too soon’ is keeping me quiet for now. It’s hard (but lovely at the same time obviously!) enough that my parents and in-laws are getting really excited already – and talking enthusiastically about the future. I feel like there is added pressure now, not to disappoint everyone if something goes wrong. I just really hope that in just over two weeks’ time we’ll have some good news to share from the scan.