Double-figures, Scans, and Sickness

Big day today – I’m 10 weeks! I’m really more excited about reaching double-figures than I probably should be.

My “morning” (Ha! She says – if only!) sickness has carried on unabated for the last few weeks. It has started getting me down a bit now. I am trying to tell myself that it’s all for a good cause and should stop soon, but I am struggling. I’m only being sick in the morning, but feel very nauseous for most of the day, with a brief respite in the late afternoon and evening, but then I am feeling sick during the night which is waking me up (as if needing to get up to go to the toilet constantly wasn’t fun enough!). I really hope I am one of the lucky women who finds the sickness improves around 12 weeks. I have the utmost respect (and bags of sympathy!) for anyone who suffers really serious sickness, I don’t know how I would possibly cope with a serious condition like hyperemesis gravidarum.

Things I have found that help with my sickness/nausea are:

• Don’t fight the urge to be sick – drinking some plain water and emptying my tummy first thing gives me a bit of relief
• Twiglets
• Liquorice
• Grapes and apples (fruit is meant to be easy to digest, not sure if that is true)
• Eat what you fancy, not what you think you should have
• If you struggling cleaning your teeth (it makes me sick) try and do it when your tummy is empty

Tiredness is still here in full force, and the last couple of days has been accompanied by a terrible headache. Yay! I am positively glowing right now.

On a happier, less whiny, note - last week we had our first scan. We went to our local branch of Hello Baby and paid for a reassurance scan, for that very reason – reassurance. I had been feeling increasingly anxious and was convincing myself that something was wrong, or that I wasn’t really pregnant (I know, I’m mad!), so we decided it would be £80 well spent, which turned out to be correct. 

My nerves before the scan were at an all-time high, I haven’t been so nervous about something for a long time. There was one horrible moment - as the sonographer started scanning me - when I saw what looked like an empty sac, with no baby in – however this was due to the scanner (technical term?) not being in quite the right spot to find the baby. Shortly after I could see a little blurry “jelly bean” shape within the sac. Honestly, I am known for being a bit melodramatic (shocking I know!), but the relief was immense. The baby had a strong heartbeat, which as clearly visible and we even saw some wriggling (which was just amazing and made my - generally unemotional - husband well up) with tiny little arm and leg stumps flailing. I fully expected to burst into tears if everything was OK, but I think being in front of a stranger helped me keep it together, at least until we left the clinic. The baby measured bang on 9 weeks during the scan, which is what I expected, based on when I ovulated, so that was also reassuring.

Here’s the blurry little jelly bean!

Next scan (12 week NHS scan) is booked for the beginning of December, when I will be 11+2 so will be interesting to see if the dates match up from the initial scan. Needless to say, I am very excited to see the little lump again.

GPs, Scans, and Morning Sickness

I had to go back to the doctor last week, after I got a – very apologetic! – call from the GP receptionist because the trainee doctor I had originally seen ‘was not aware’ of the forms that needed completing. So I went back and saw a fully qualified GP and had a much more productive appointment (whereas last time I left feeling unsure and like none of my questions were answered). I left with a load of leaflets and some forms to fill out, after quite a comprehensive grilling from the GP about my health. Although I wasn’t brave enough to ask the GP if it would be possible to have an early scan for reassurance (assertiveness is not my strong suit!).

I had to go into my previous mental health issues (bipolar disorder and self-harm), which is always a little embarrassing and awkward, as – when listed out – they seem very extreme. I always worry I won’t be believed when I say that I had the offer to have my diagnosis ‘withdrawn’ (as is that even a thing? I sometimes wonder if I imagined it). Either way the GP was very sympathetic and seemed to believe me when I told her I was perfectly happy and well-adjusted these days, but that I was aware of PND and it was something I would absolutely seek help for if I am unlucky enough to suffer. I reassured her that I had a strong family network who would be all too quick to step in if they suspected something was wrong, having seen what I went through before. It was still a slightly awkward conversation though. I’m not really looking forward to going back through it all again with the midwife at my first appointment (next week!).

I’m now eagerly awaiting my scan appointment letters, but in the meantime I’ve booked in for a private scan, when I will be somewhere between 8-9 weeks. I had agonised over whether to go for one, worrying mostly about the cost and about not acting more neurotic than is necessary. But the fear of an MMC, and worrying with every little symptom fluctuation (my breasts aren’t as sore today, I haven’t had any morning sickness yet today, I wonder what the means etc.) pushed me over the edge. I still have to wait until mid-November for the early scan (I didn’t want to go too early and risk not seeing a heartbeat and giving myself more to worry about), but just knowing it’s booked in is very comforting. I’ve read that there is a 98% chance of the pregnancy continuing if a heartbeat is seen at 8 weeks.

Morning sickness has definitely kicked in over the last week and a bit. It’s pretty unpleasant. I am not being sick, but having all day nausea and struggling to eat. Although I am happy about it in a way because I like having symptoms and I do keep reminding myself that it’s all for a good cause. Although getting up early for work in the morning is not fun.

I am really longing for the day when I feel comfortable letting everyone know, which hopefully will be at 12 weeks, all being well. I’ve never been good at keeping exciting secrets, but the fear of saying something ‘too soon’ is keeping me quiet for now. It’s hard (but lovely at the same time obviously!) enough that my parents and in-laws are getting really excited already – and talking enthusiastically about the future. I feel like there is added pressure now, not to disappoint everyone if something goes wrong. I just really hope that in just over two weeks’ time we’ll have some good news to share from the scan. 

Hopes and Fears

I really hope that, this time next year, I am a mummy.

It took us a mere five months to conceive, but it felt like a lifetime. It’s nothing really and we are very lucky. I feel so lucky.

However the fear of something going wrong is very real. Although I know the odds are in our favour. 5% chance of a miscarriage, and only 3% for us because I’ve already had one. I keep telling myself that everything should be fine, but that doesn’t stop me worrying endlessly that it won’t.

The twelve weeks scan is my ultimate goal at the moment, I cannot think past that. I cannot wait to have a scan. I have broken up the first trimester into mini-goals. Next milestone is 8 weeks, then 10 weeks, then 12 weeks. Seems more manageable in little chunks. Time seems to be passing really slowly right now and absolutely nothing feels real.

Initially I was so elated. Now I'm more scared and impatient for progress. Still very happy of course, but it’s a cautious happiness, as if being too happy will tempt fate.

I am worried about telling people. We’ve told our parents and my work know. My husband’s boss. Some of my online friends. It seems like too many. It doesn’t feel real enough for that many people to know yet. But maybe telling more people makes it more real?

When I went to the doctor, I somehow expected that she would ‘do’ something to make it official. I have no idea what. However it didn’t even get put into the system while I was there in the room. I hope she didn’t forget about it after I left.

I cannot wait for my booking in appointment, just to feel like the ball has started rolling. Progress. We’ll be a bit closer to the scan then, and to hearing a heartbeat. God I hope there is a heartbeat.

I have so many fears for the future.

Will I be a good mum?

Will I like it?

How hard will going back to work be?

How will my marriage change?

Will my child love me? Will they even like me?

It’s scary. I haven’t always been sure I wanted children. It’s a subject around which I have flip-flopped. Have I made the right decision? Is there any such thing? I want it, in my bones, but my mind is much more erratic.

It feels like I am the first woman to do this, how truly ridiculous!